Saturdays
By
Kate Alves
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE DRESSING ROOM - DAY
MARVIN MILLER (59), with a portly belly and graying hair,
sits slouched over on a couch, nearly lost amidst a sea of
shopping bags. Clutching a sequined purse to his stomach,
Marvin stares off into the empty space before him. NANCY
MILLER (57) steps out of the dressing room stall behind him,
beaming in an unflattering turquoise pantsuit.
NANCY
Ta-da! What do you think, Marv?
Marv turns in his seat and, upon seeing her, grits his
teeth. He then flashes an unnaturally wide smile.
MARV
It’s nice. Nice an’ ...unique.
NANCY
But what do you think?
MARV
I think it looks nice.
NANCY
Oh, you’re positively useless. I
don’t know why I take you anywhere.
MARV
Neither do I.
Nancy throws him an annoyed sidelong glance while she begins
posing in the mirror.
NANCY
I know you’d much rather be golfing
but this is fun that we get to
spend our Saturdays together.
MARV
(to himself)
Every. Beautiful. 70 Degree.
Saturday.
Nancy eyes herself in the mirror.
NANCY
Hmm, I don’t know about this one. I
think I’ll try the orange one. Ooh!
Or there’s one in yellow. Or the
fuschia!
Marv shoots her a wide-eyed, disbelieving look.
NANCY (CONT’D)
Stay right there, sweetie!
MARV
(mumbling)
Couldn’t possibly miss you trying
on the entirety of the color
spectrum.
NANCY
Hmm?
MARV
Nothing, dear.
NANCY
Oh, isn’t this fun, Marv?
Marv forces the same fake smile as Nancy shuts the stall
door. His expression immediately drops.
MARV
This certainly isn’t my idea of
fun. I can’t be cooped up like
this, I’ll go crazy.
Marv sighs deeply, leans back against the couch, and closes
his eyes in desperation.
A few seconds later, he opens them wide, a newfound sparkle
in his eye. Marv sits bolt upright and spryly hops up. He
pulls Nancy’s purse string over his shoulder and defiantly
strides out of the dressing room area. A few seconds later,
the purse is thrown back onto the couch.
INT. THE MALL ATRIUM - DAY
Marv creeps from potted palm tree to palm tree, humming the
James Bond theme to himself. People stop and stare.
INT. BATH AND BODY WORKS - DAY
As Marv walks through the store, he picks up each perfume
and excitedly sprays it in the air in front of him. He
closes his eyes and walks through it. Fellow customers begin
to get annoyed, including a WOMAN and her LITTLE BOY (7).
WOMAN
Excuse me!
The little boy sticks his tongue out at Marv. Marv makes a
snotty face back and walks away.
INT. BATH AND BODY WORKS - CONTINUOUS
In the lotion section, he squirts a huge glob of lotion into
his hand. Disgusted with the excess mess, he puts his hands
out in front of him. Noticing the rude little boy standing
in line nearby, Marv tiptoes over and wipes it on the back
of the boy’s head and runs away.
INT. MALL ATRIUM - DAY
Again humming the Bond theme, Marv attempts stealth by
slowly dropping into awkward roll on the floor. It takes him
a few moments to get up.
INT. WOMEN’S CLOTHES DEPARTMENT - DAY
A woman sifts through a rack of clothes.
MARV
(from inside the rack)
Pick me! Pick me!
The woman jumps back in fright and runs away, looking around
her in paranoia. Marv giggles from inside the rack like a
little girl.
INT. MEN’S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Two male employees speak quietly at the entrance of the
men’s dressing room. Behind them we hear Marv yell from his
stall:
MARV
There’s no toilet paper in here!
The two employees look at each other, horrified.
INT. INSIDE A CONVENIENCE STORE IN THE MALL - DAY
A CASHIER, obviously exasperated, holds a pack of gum up to
Marv who stands at the front of a long line of annoyed
customers.
CASHIER
Sir, there seems to be some kind of
misunderstanding. As I’ve told you,
repeatedly, you cannot put a pack
of gum on layaway.
MARV
But I don’t want it now.
CASHIER
Then why are you in my store trying
to buy it?
MARV
Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I’m
not trying to buy it. I’m asking
you to put it away for a little
while, maybe a couple days, and
I’ll come back and then I’ll buy
it.
CASHIER
Sir, I’m going to call security if
you do not either buy that or leave
now.
Marv gently places it on the desk
MARV
I’ll just - I’ll just come back for
it later.
Marv tiptoes away.
INT. VICTORIA’S SECRET - DAY
Five manikins dressed in racy lingerie are displayed in the
window of the store. Marv stands next to them posing
similarly but then loses concentration upon looking at one
of them. Customers gather in front of the window.
INT. MALL ATRIUM - DAY
Laughing maniacally, Marv rides a mechanic shopping cart,
pushing people aside and busting through kiosks.
INT. CAMPING STORE - DAY
Marv sits inside a tent, outfitted in camouflage and a
safari hat, holding a paintball gun. Half a dozen kids,
including the little boy from before, sit in front of him as
he speaks animatedly.
MARV
- and that little doe spotted me
and just looked me in the eye all
(MORE)
MARV (cont’d)
tender-like. And we just looked at
each other for a while. And then...
Marv points the gun to the side and pretends to fire.
MARV (CONT’D)
I SHOT her! Yep, she’s still
hanging above my mantle to this
very day.
The children all begin crying and wailing.
LITTLE GIRL
Bambi! Noooo.
The little boy walks up to Marv and kicks him in the leg.
LITTLE BOY
I hate you. Dumbass!
INT. THE CORNER OF THE DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY
From the security camera’s black and white point of view,
Marv looks directly into it. He uses it as a mirror to pick
his nose.
INT. THE WOMEN’S DRESSING ROOM- DAY
Marv walks back into the women’s dressing room and sits on
the couch, an elated smile lighting up his round face. Nancy
calls to him from the dressing room.
NANCY
Marv? Is that you? Where’d you go?
MARV
Just popped to the bathroom real
quick, dear.
NANCY
Okay, well, I wanted to wait to
show you the yellow one.
Nancy slowly opens the door to the stall. Marv gasps. Nancy
radiates beauty in a revealing yellow swimsuit, her hair
shiny blonde and her skin glowing. Marv is speechless.
NANCY
What do you think? Marv?
Marv can’t answer. Nancy’s tone becomes more annoyed.
NANCY
Marv? Marvin? Answer me!
Nancy’s voice echoes and the screen becomes hazy and fades
to black.
NANCY (V.O.)
MARVIN!
INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Open on Marv jumping awake. Nancy stands over him in a
hideous mustard yellow pantsuit.
NANCY
Marvin! I cannot believe that you
can’t even sit there for a few
minutes without falling asleep!
Marv rubs his head and looks up, confused.
MARV
I - I’m sorry, dear.
NANCY
Well let’s just go. I’m done for
today anyway. This yellow just
isn’t yellow enough.
Marv looks at her with his eyebrows raised.
NANCY (CONT’D)
I’ll try again next week.
Marv walks over to her and puts his arm around her waist. He
smiles slyly.
MARV
Nancy, darling, I can’t wait to go
shopping next Saturday.
NANCY
Awww!
Nancy kisses him on the cheek and they walk out of the
dressing room together.
INT. THE CORNER OF THE DEPARTMENT STORE - CONTINUOUS
From the black and white POV of the security camera, Marv
and Nancy walk out of the dressing room. Marv looks up at
the camera and winks.
