"Saturdays"

Saturdays

By

Kate Alves

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE DRESSING ROOM - DAY

MARVIN MILLER (59), with a portly belly and graying hair,

sits slouched over on a couch, nearly lost amidst a sea of

shopping bags. Clutching a sequined purse to his stomach,

Marvin stares off into the empty space before him. NANCY

MILLER (57) steps out of the dressing room stall behind him,

beaming in an unflattering turquoise pantsuit.

NANCY

Ta-da! What do you think, Marv?

Marv turns in his seat and, upon seeing her, grits his

teeth. He then flashes an unnaturally wide smile.

MARV

It’s nice. Nice an’ ...unique.

NANCY

But what do you think?

MARV

I think it looks nice.

NANCY

Oh, you’re positively useless. I

don’t know why I take you anywhere.

MARV

Neither do I.

Nancy throws him an annoyed sidelong glance while she begins

posing in the mirror.

NANCY

I know you’d much rather be golfing

but this is fun that we get to

spend our Saturdays together.

MARV

(to himself)

Every. Beautiful. 70 Degree.

Saturday.

Nancy eyes herself in the mirror.

NANCY

Hmm, I don’t know about this one. I

think I’ll try the orange one. Ooh!

Or there’s one in yellow. Or the

fuschia!

Marv shoots her a wide-eyed, disbelieving look.

NANCY (CONT’D)

Stay right there, sweetie!

MARV

(mumbling)

Couldn’t possibly miss you trying

on the entirety of the color

spectrum.

NANCY

Hmm?

MARV

Nothing, dear.

NANCY

Oh, isn’t this fun, Marv?

Marv forces the same fake smile as Nancy shuts the stall

door. His expression immediately drops.

MARV

This certainly isn’t my idea of

fun. I can’t be cooped up like

this, I’ll go crazy.

Marv sighs deeply, leans back against the couch, and closes

his eyes in desperation.

A few seconds later, he opens them wide, a newfound sparkle

in his eye. Marv sits bolt upright and spryly hops up. He

pulls Nancy’s purse string over his shoulder and defiantly

strides out of the dressing room area. A few seconds later,

the purse is thrown back onto the couch.

INT. THE MALL ATRIUM - DAY

Marv creeps from potted palm tree to palm tree, humming the

James Bond theme to himself. People stop and stare.

INT. BATH AND BODY WORKS - DAY

As Marv walks through the store, he picks up each perfume

and excitedly sprays it in the air in front of him. He

closes his eyes and walks through it. Fellow customers begin

to get annoyed, including a WOMAN and her LITTLE BOY (7).

WOMAN

Excuse me!

The little boy sticks his tongue out at Marv. Marv makes a

snotty face back and walks away.

INT. BATH AND BODY WORKS - CONTINUOUS

In the lotion section, he squirts a huge glob of lotion into

his hand. Disgusted with the excess mess, he puts his hands

out in front of him. Noticing the rude little boy standing

in line nearby, Marv tiptoes over and wipes it on the back

of the boy’s head and runs away.

INT. MALL ATRIUM - DAY

Again humming the Bond theme, Marv attempts stealth by

slowly dropping into awkward roll on the floor. It takes him

a few moments to get up.

INT. WOMEN’S CLOTHES DEPARTMENT - DAY

A woman sifts through a rack of clothes.

MARV

(from inside the rack)

Pick me! Pick me!

The woman jumps back in fright and runs away, looking around

her in paranoia. Marv giggles from inside the rack like a

little girl.

INT. MEN’S DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Two male employees speak quietly at the entrance of the

men’s dressing room. Behind them we hear Marv yell from his

stall:

MARV

There’s no toilet paper in here!

The two employees look at each other, horrified.

INT. INSIDE A CONVENIENCE STORE IN THE MALL - DAY

A CASHIER, obviously exasperated, holds a pack of gum up to

Marv who stands at the front of a long line of annoyed

customers.

CASHIER

Sir, there seems to be some kind of

misunderstanding. As I’ve told you,

repeatedly, you cannot put a pack

of gum on layaway.

MARV

But I don’t want it now.

CASHIER

Then why are you in my store trying

to buy it?

MARV

Oh, this is a misunderstanding. I’m

not trying to buy it. I’m asking

you to put it away for a little

while, maybe a couple days, and

I’ll come back and then I’ll buy

it.

CASHIER

Sir, I’m going to call security if

you do not either buy that or leave

now.

Marv gently places it on the desk

MARV

I’ll just - I’ll just come back for

it later.

Marv tiptoes away.

INT. VICTORIA’S SECRET - DAY

Five manikins dressed in racy lingerie are displayed in the

window of the store. Marv stands next to them posing

similarly but then loses concentration upon looking at one

of them. Customers gather in front of the window.

INT. MALL ATRIUM - DAY

Laughing maniacally, Marv rides a mechanic shopping cart,

pushing people aside and busting through kiosks.

INT. CAMPING STORE - DAY

Marv sits inside a tent, outfitted in camouflage and a

safari hat, holding a paintball gun. Half a dozen kids,

including the little boy from before, sit in front of him as

he speaks animatedly.

MARV

- and that little doe spotted me

and just looked me in the eye all

(MORE)

MARV (cont’d)

tender-like. And we just looked at

each other for a while. And then...

Marv points the gun to the side and pretends to fire.

MARV (CONT’D)

I SHOT her! Yep, she’s still

hanging above my mantle to this

very day.

The children all begin crying and wailing.

LITTLE GIRL

Bambi! Noooo.

The little boy walks up to Marv and kicks him in the leg.

LITTLE BOY

I hate you. Dumbass!

INT. THE CORNER OF THE DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

From the security camera’s black and white point of view,

Marv looks directly into it. He uses it as a mirror to pick

his nose.

INT. THE WOMEN’S DRESSING ROOM- DAY

Marv walks back into the women’s dressing room and sits on

the couch, an elated smile lighting up his round face. Nancy

calls to him from the dressing room.

NANCY

Marv? Is that you? Where’d you go?

MARV

Just popped to the bathroom real

quick, dear.

NANCY

Okay, well, I wanted to wait to

show you the yellow one.

Nancy slowly opens the door to the stall. Marv gasps. Nancy

radiates beauty in a revealing yellow swimsuit, her hair

shiny blonde and her skin glowing. Marv is speechless.

NANCY

What do you think? Marv?

Marv can’t answer. Nancy’s tone becomes more annoyed.

NANCY

Marv? Marvin? Answer me!

Nancy’s voice echoes and the screen becomes hazy and fades

to black.

NANCY (V.O.)

MARVIN!

INT. DRESSING ROOM - DAY

Open on Marv jumping awake. Nancy stands over him in a

hideous mustard yellow pantsuit.

NANCY

Marvin! I cannot believe that you

can’t even sit there for a few

minutes without falling asleep!

Marv rubs his head and looks up, confused.

MARV

I - I’m sorry, dear.

NANCY

Well let’s just go. I’m done for

today anyway. This yellow just

isn’t yellow enough.

Marv looks at her with his eyebrows raised.

NANCY (CONT’D)

I’ll try again next week.

Marv walks over to her and puts his arm around her waist. He

smiles slyly.

MARV

Nancy, darling, I can’t wait to go

shopping next Saturday.

NANCY

Awww!

Nancy kisses him on the cheek and they walk out of the

dressing room together.

INT. THE CORNER OF THE DEPARTMENT STORE - CONTINUOUS

From the black and white POV of the security camera, Marv

and Nancy walk out of the dressing room. Marv looks up at

the camera and winks.